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Do you think i could win the CO-writer contest with this entry?

Do you think i could win the CO-writer contest with this entry?
Do you think i could win the CO-writer contest with this entry?
ok so there is this girl on youtube, and i love her story's! and she told us that since her finals were coming up she needed a co-writer. she said we had to write the next chapter of her story and message it to her. do you think i could win with this entry? here's some info: its an abuse story and the girl [christy] just got knocked unconscious from her brothers hurting her so bad. and her parents got murdered years earlier. please be nice im only 13.
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christy's POV**
I could see the colors, shining onto a frozen body, like a spotlight on a stage. The colors were white pink, blue, all were so beautiful. The body was to far away for me to see, it was blurry, but i could see it rise, going toward the light. As it got closer, it got clearer. I could see her hair, her face, her eyes..closed. Her face was full of cuts, as well as her arms and legs. She seemed to be firmiluar, yet she seemed so distant. Like a person you see in a crowd that you think you know but you don't. I looked closer, looked past her bruises, and her cuts. I saw the true girl, that was hiding behind the pain. It struck me.
She was..me.
I saw her floating, I suddenly saw the light from her eyes, my eyes. I saw two faces. Two faces I haven't seen in years. My parents.

I didn't realise it until that moment, i was dying, they finally did it, my brothers murdered me!

Half of me wanted to move on. Live with god, and my parents up in heavan. Away from the pain. But the other part of me, the part of me that could still feel the good in my brothers hearts didn't want to. That part of me was the part that confused me. After all they did how could I possibly forgive them. I can't, but so badly i wanted to! And even if i couldn't forgive them, which i probably won't, i still have my own life to live. I wanted to die, but so badly I wanted to live. I made my choice.

With all my force I pushed down. Pushing away from the light! Heading down to the earth. I looked up at my parents faces, they were filled with pain. Probably because they knew that I was heading back to that house of hell. But I didn't let that stop me, i kept on pushing. Then out of now where the light vanished, and my room took its place.
I stared at the ceiling. I felt pain everywhere. My brothers wern't there anymore, i knew this because I didn't hear any screaming. It took all my strenth to crawl to the window. I peered over the edge, looking into the drive way. There were no cars, good. I stood up, and walked to the bath room. I grabbed a wash cloth, wet it and put it to my face. It stung, stung like hell. I threw the cloth into the sink, and looked at my reflextion, i looked like crap, nothing new there.
I didn't want to stare at myself anymore, i let my eyes wonder. I looked to the left, near the shower, somthing caught my attention. It was shiny and silver, my razor. I heared it helped with the pain. No! I have enough cuts. I looked away, but not for long. I let my eyes look back, and without warning my hand raized, grabbing for it.

Suddenly I heared a car race into the driveway "crap" i muttered to myself. I limped to my room, turned the light off, and jumped into bed. I heared two footsteps clump up the stairs, one of the obviously a pair of heals. For once I was happy my brother was screwing some girl!

I knew tommorow I would probably be in for it, I would go through hell. I was used to it, I yawned, I was so tired, but i was scared to fall asleep. Afraid the lights were going to take over again, but i was so tired. i prayed that night, I haven't prayed in a while. But after everything that's happened i couldn't help it. I need some sort of connection to something stronger than my brothers. And god was the only thing i could think of.
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thx ahead of time!

Public Comments

1. i think you could win. it's a good plot. you explain everything just enough and not too much. you have a few grammatical mistakes that pretty much everyone makes. but i do think you have a chance at winning.

2. that was... really, really good... i loved it. =) do write more!

3. You need to make it more consistent. Decide how badly hurt she is and what she can and can't do. If she can barely crawl to the window, how can she then get up and walk to the bathroom? She's either verging on death or she has a few cuts to wash, not both.

Then you need to edit it. Look at every single sentence and treat it like an elementary school exercise. Here's one of yours:

Suddenly I heared a car race into the driveway "crap" i muttered to myself.

You need to make it grammatically correct and sort out the punctuation. Then the next one, and the next one...

You know I'm nitpicking, right? You said you wanted to win a writing contest. This is the sort of level of editing you'll need to do.